Hello Guys,
I know, you are so surprised to have me again in such a short time. Don’t get used to it, but this subject has been on my mind for weeks and finally decided to come out.😅 So what you will read is about gender roles and their changes. Don’t worry I will not lecture or do a whole history class just my (and some wonderful ladies’) opinion. Like always, you can agree, disagree and please question everything I say.
A couple of weeks ago, I had a class (not about gender roles, but when a bunch of fantastic women sit together on a Saturday afternoon, anything can happen), and we started talking about fairy tales and how important they are for the kids’ growth. (I study pedagogy now.)Of course, when you talk about fairy tales and are a woman in your 30s, 40s, or 50s, you first think about Disney movies. And here is where all the magic started to happen.👸
100 years ago women had only one role: stay home and wait for their prince, he would sort out everything. Translation: women don’t have the right to vote or go to work, god forbids them even thinking about studying. I’m sure every one of you saw those commercials from the ‘50,’60 and ‘70 America where they display how should look like and behave a perfect wife. (if you are interested in this subject, watch the movie Monalisa’s Smile with Julia Roberts.) In Hungary was a bit different but not so much. Men went to work gave the money to their wives and in return, the love of their life did all the housework and took care of the kids. There were men’s jobs and women’s jobs and life was happy. And fairy tales based on this ideology.
Look at Sleeping Beauty! She falls asleep, waits until the prince has done all the work, and finally shows up and kisses her. The best life ever! (By the way, I can be the best Sleeping Beauty, I love sleeping and it would be much better to pass my time via sleeping and wait for the goddamn price to kiss me than work and stress and save myself every single day!😉) Or Snowwhite! Come on! Same story. Okay with more poison, apples and dwarfs, but she waits while her prince fights the battles. – Little Mermaid, Cinderella, etc. The list goes on and on with the same theory. Girls have to do nothing while their men do all the work. They just have to be beautiful, doesn’t even have to say a single word. (It is even preferable to shut up and just be.) Was it good? Well, it depends on who you ask, but in my opinion, it wasn’t good like this. (And we all agreed on it in my class.)
But honestly, that was inherited from our parents and grandparents. I remember a conversation with my beloved grandma. I introduced my (ex) boyfriend to her and asked him to bring me my coffee. My grandma was so upset about MY behaviour and she told me that I could lose the guy if I didn’t start to act like a proper woman. I asked her what she meant and she told me that a woman’s job is to take care of her man and give everything to him, not the other way around. And she did. I remember when Granny died we didn’t find Grandpa’s socks and he had no idea where they were because Granny prepared his outfit for the day every morning. She gave him breakfast, lunch, dinner, and coffee, and cleaned his clothes. She took care of the whole house. That’s how our parents were raised: men’s jobs and women’s jobs. But what about nowadays?
Look at the fairy tales. Merida…no need for a man, she handles everything. Rapunzel… she has a prop, Flint who helps her, but she does most of the work. Elsa…no man at all, but she is the hero. And that’s what our life looks like. Women became Heros. Life has changed a lot. Now women study, have lovely careers and don’t need a man. The world turned upside down. Women are more masculine than men. We struggle because society still wants us to do the “women’s jobs”, but get a degree first and have around the same amount of money that your man takes home. If you are single you get a stamp that you are a careerist, ambitious, and too strong. And because our men have become more feminine they are “scared” of a strong woman. Why scared? Well, a strong and independent woman is her own Hero. She doesn’t need to be saved or rescued anymore. A strong woman doesn’t need a man…but wants one badly. So she kisses millions of frogs until she finds her prince and doesn’t wait for the one. (I would be so grateful if someone just let me know the exact amount of frogs that should kiss because I’m f@cking tired of kissing the animals.🤷♀️) But what is the problem?
Communication! I had a discussion with my friend and mentor. She told me an interesting theory and she is right. So we talked about gender differences and how we feel as single women (she is a single mother too). We agreed that the main issue is the lack of communication. If we look at our lives we can see that we are afraid to speak up because of the “what ifs”.
“What if they do not like me if I say such and such?” “What if my boss fires me and I do not have a job and I have to find another place (which by the way you wanted to do a million years ago because it is a sh@twhole, but you are too lazy to take the time and energy to get another one.)” “What if the guy will never call or text me back if I say honestly that I do not like his style or how he treats me?” “What if I tell my Dad that it feels so embarrassing when he treats me like a kid in front of the whole family?” All those “what ifs”. So we do not say anything, just assume or expect the other one to have a minimum of a crystal ball and know what we want.
Another thing is when we open our mouths but avoid the “hard” conversations and talk about the total bullsh@t. Seriously, when you are over 30 and you are a woman the most important question is what the guy’s favourite colour is on your first date, instead of asking his view of the future (kids, marriage, plans, goals, etc.)? I mean, yes, if you are a teenager this will be one of the most important along with his favourite food and band, but over 30???? Come on ladies!!!! You don’t talk about these because “what if I scare him away”. Guess what?! If he runs away because of these questions, he is a boy and not a man and, if you don’t want to raise someone else’s kid, he is not the one for you. Thank God you figured this out on the first date instead of on your 10th anniversary.
My friend told me something interesting. Back in the day generations lived together and great-grandparents and grandparents helped the women to raise the kids, plus they did not have to work, so they never stressed, because they had help…without asking. Later grandparents were there. When women went back to work they were there and the community had a huge role too. In villages, people knew and helped each other with everything. Nowadays generations live separately, women have the same expectations from society and no one helps or they are conditioned not to ask for help. If we ask for help we feel weak and powerless. That’s what we learn in school too. If you ask for help the other kids laugh at you and start bully (“you dumbass”) or some teachers even note that you are not clever enough. You ask help from your parents as a kid and they are either not at home or don’t have time because of their million other activities. We do not communicate our needs, especially women because we saw in Moana that we have to sort out everything alone and all the positive quotes say that we are strong and able to reach the sky alone. I see that we can do so much and much more than we can imagine on our own, but there are times when we must ask for help and that’s not a weakness, that’s one of the strongest things ever, to leave our pride and admit that we are only human.
Last but not least, my friend has a 13-year-old son. He asked her how to deal with a girl. (Cute, yeah?😊) She told him the 3 ways to be in a relationship, but the first thing she said to him is this: “You sit down and talk about how you imagine your future together. Based on the girl’s answers there are 3 ways to live in a relationship and treat her.” The problem starts here. Parents are not teaching their sons how to deal with a girl or daughters how to treat a boy. Kids don’t learn what it means to be a man or woman. How to act, talk, be one and how to deal with the other gender. We do not have a relationship or gender classes. We learn everything from our experiences and we have so many failures until we may become lucky and finally, that Frog turns into The Prince. Women and men go out to the world without knowing who they are or what are their values and how to treat each other. No boundaries, only insecurity.
So what’s the conclusion? Women don’t need to cut the grass, fix the car or take the first step with the man they are so crazy about (let him be the man), even if you can. Men don’t have to bend and do all the housework, and raise the kids by themselves (but help is a MUST HAVE) especially if they don’t want to. But if you want something, please men up and make the first move, ask her out, call her first or text her without waiting for her to text you (because she is waiting for you as she is a WOMAN). Aka. Girls, it is okay, if you let the guys help kill the dragons and guys, please get your balls back and save us even if we don’t need it, please do not let us be the Hero all the time.
Okay, even if you are a man or a woman SpitFire up your role and live your life!😘Finally, I want to leave you with Dr. Sara Al Madani’s quote: “ Men and women are not compete with each other they complete each other.”😘
XOXO,
Krisz😘
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Spirit of Spitfire 