single – Spirit of Spitfire

Hello Guys,

I hope you are having fun and starting to feel the Christmas spirit. Okay, I know, maybe some of you are not that much of a fan of the holidays. (Doesn’t matter I still love you all Grinches.😝) Advent season is my favourite, but staying alone under the mistletoe does not make me happy either…until now. Not because I finally kissed the right frog and became a prince…no. 😅 But something happened and changed my perspective. And that’s what I want to talk about—changing perspective.

Usually, I go to sleep quite early, but a couple of days ago I couldn’t fall asleep. So I started to dumb scroll my social media and found a video that made me think and changed my view of everything, especially my relationship status. I know, it’s a shame on me that I did not save the video or even remember the guy’s profile, but he said that every time he feels blue because he is single, he starts to imagine that what if next year this time he will be in a relationship and he will have a fight with the love of his life and he just wishes to be single again. So basically he said that he enjoys every minute of his single life because you never know when The One comes and maybe he wants to have back his life alone. Bumm!!! Hit me in the face! I have never thought about my life like this. He has done nothing just shifted the focus.

So I started to think. I love the holidays, the decorations, the Christmas markets, the lights, smells, foods, songs (especially the songs😅), buying gifts and all the advent vibe. BUT! As a single person when Christmas Eve came and I stood alone in the mistletoe, I felt so lonely and disappointed. Even if I was with my amazing family and friends, I felt that something was wrong with me. Of course, I knew that I was fine and this was just a period of my life. Usually, when this emotion hits I start to tell myself The List (all the things only a single can do) and it helps, but this video hit me so hard. Because I thought I was positive and handled this whole “magical love is all around” thing well, but I just used toxic positivity and covered my emotions with my little list. Plus I haven’t enjoyed the last couple of Christmases as much as I could because I was too focused on the fact that I’m “alone”. I couldn’t appreciate the fact that how much I wasn’t alone. The fact that how lucky I was and I am because I have a wonderful family, both my parents are alive and healthy, and I have the best nephews ever, plus year by year I have more people I can call friends. My head was in my ass and that video finally pulled it out. I talk about gratitude here, but I wasn’t grateful at all. But that’s okay. I’ll not punish myself because I’m only a human…I’m not perfect, but I’m truly grateful that I realised these things before it’s too late.

Don’t get me wrong, I still wish to have someone in my life who I can call my own but from now on I enjoy the advent even if I am alone because I never know when that prince finally find his white horse and rides to me. It’s good to have someone but as a single woman I do not have to play puzzle with the time and make sure that we visit his family and mine too. Plus you guys know exactly how this works…the day is good for you it’s not good for your brother’s family and the dates that are good for his family are not good for yours, and all the parents want the same date and everything is just like a business schedule. 😅🙄Not to mention the struggle with the gifts and the cooking/baking procedure. Instead, of all these hustles I go to my parent’s house before Christmas and I’ll only move from my favourite armchair when I have to eat… probably I’ll even sleep in it. 🤷‍♀️🤣 I do not have to go outside in the cold and visit anyone else. No expectations.

Everything has a bright side. So many times we don’t see it or don’t want to see it. Not always easy to find the light in the dark, I know, but there is. Always. I don’t talk about the fake positivity. If something is sucks, it’s sucks. We have to feel it but after we give it out we should change our perspectives otherwise life will just go by and in the end, we have no idea how we end up there where we will be. So many times we think we have time, but after all those years I just realised what it means that we only have the present.

Christmas is just one thing where you can use his method. And this is not just for singles. Think about it. For example, if you really wish to have a kid, but somehow doesn’t happen instead of you becoming depressed and anxious, you can shift your focus. Like my best friend did. (P.S. She is one of the strongest women on Earth!🥰) She used the same technique without knowing she did. Now she enjoys the time with her husband and appreciates every moment. They travel a lot because they never know when the kid comes and obviously after that, they will not be able to go for a long weekend just for the 2 of them. Was it easy for her? Hell No! But it was worth it because she is glowing now. They don’t give up on the kid, but until the little angel arrives they enjoy life as it is.

Another example is if you want to change your job or find one, instead of crying and complaining, just shift your perspective. Send your CVs and cover letters but in the meantime enjoy the fact that you do not have to wake up early or dress up. You can go for a walk whenever you want or stay home and read a book. Try to enjoy these things while you search for a “perfect job” because very soon you have to go to work and maybe you will not be this free for years.

Don’t get me wrong I talked about this here in the blog but in a different view and I thought I used the focus shift and I did but never about my relationship status. 😅 But now this hit me so hard. The most important is that you never give up on what you want but until you get it trust God/Universe/The process (however you want to call it) and focus on the millions of miracles around you. Because doesn’t matter who says what, you are a miracle. Everything and everyone around us is a miracle and if we start to see Life from a different angle it delivers our dreams. But if you keep whinging about the things you do not have, guess what? You will never have them.

So SpitFire up and look at your life from a different perspective. It’s worth it!😘

Oh, and please don’t forget: Don’t have to be always strong to be a Hero.😘

XOXO,

Krisz😘

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Hello guys,

What’s up? I hope you are well and enjoying the Summer. It has been a while since I last wrote to you, but contrary to beliefs, a single woman has a life too with many tasks.

And my last sentence is the main reason I’m here. What is the connection between the pancakes and the single life? Well, trust me you will understand it very soon. Let me start with a story from a couple of months ago. So I asked my Mom to make pancakes for me. Of course, she said yes, but something always happened so I left without pancakes. (I know I can do it for myself and why am I waiting for my mother to do this for me? But trust me, it is much better if I do not even start the pancakes…anything else but this food. 😅) Later on, it seemed that the stars were aligned, and I could eat this delicious dessert…but something happened again…my mother asked my sister-in-law what she wanted to eat (because our family gathered together again) and said something else.

Now I want to stop here for a second before any misunderstanding happens. I love my sister-in-law and I love the food she suggested, plus my mom didn’t say yes to her on purpose or because she disrespected me or she put anyone above me. Life just happened and mom forgot that she promised the pancakes to me. So you can ask what is the issue then? The “issue” was that my amazing mother told me when I confronted her that “your sister-in-law carries my next grandchild”. It makes sense and I agree, but a few months earlier my dad told me that he could not ask my brother about something (that I totally forgot and not even relevant) because my brother has his family and he has a life. I told my dad that even though I do not have a family of my own I have my life too. But he said that’s nothing, you do not have a life until you have your own family.

And these two events made me think. So if I read this situation correctly, if you do not have a husband and kids, you do not have a life aka you have time and energy to do everything that everyone wants and your vote will count next time whenever you get at least a boyfriend next to you. Hmm. Interesting.🤔😅 It seemed that I had to get pregnant to get my pancakes.😱😅

I started to think and recognise some basic truths about how your family, friends and the people around you usually see you in Hungary (especially in the countryside) if you are 35 years old, a woman and single. First I want to clarify some things. There are two types of singles.

The ones who chose to be single. They do not want family, kids or the complications that even a relationship could cause.
And there is another type (just like me), life happened. They want to have a family, kids and all the other things, but Life hasn’t given it to them yet. They are not single by choice.

And the biggest problem is that no one makes an effort to ask you which single group you are in. Most people don’t even realize that types exist. They just automatically assume that you chose to be single. This is what you want.

When I used to live in London, no one cared. Why would they? 10-12 million people in the city, and nothing new under the sun. I wasn’t the only one who didn’t have a relationship. The age is crucial in this subject. If we lived in the Bridgerton era, I would be called a spinster… well, I am called the spinster nowadays too (totally like Bridget Jones).🤣 Anyway, in London, no one cares if you go to the Mall in your pyjamas on Sunday afternoon, so obviously they care less about your marital status?!

BUT in Hungary… different. ( I know if I lived in a big city here in Hungary would be easier too). Big city, with millions of people, so no one knows you. In Hungary, the whole country’s population is less than the number of people living in London. It means that everyone in the country knows everyone or at least some who knows someone, who knows at least one of your relevant.🙄 And we Hungarians are very judgy. We judge everything and everyone. The social expectation in the countryside is that you have to be married, have at least one kid, your house and car in your garage before the age of 30. If you are at least not married before you hit the third X and you are a woman… you better dig your grave and wait for death, because “you will die alone”. (Or at least that’s what they say.)

So here are some of the latest examples I have heard regarding my marital status from my beloved circle:

“Something is wrong with you! You are too picky, you are not good enough or you are way too strong so every man just runs away from you.”- I do not even want to comment on this. 😂
“We are worried because kids are the meaning of life.” I love the kids and I wish to have one, but still, I think my life has a purpose without them too. Maybe I am wrong. 🤔
“There aren’t many decent guys left at your age, you cannot be picky otherwise you will never get married. (and die alone)” Again, I wish to get married one day, but I rather live alone than be in a toxic relationship just to be married and have kids, so our society accepts me. No one can make you happy, you are the one who is responsible for your happiness. Plus not everyone is that lucky to find her/his other half 10-15 years ago and live happily ever after. (At least not that much I know.)
“You need a husband, a house, a kid, a dog and a car, so your life can be happy.”- No one ever asked me what makes me happy. Some people are happy alone. Some of us are just happy if we can travel instead of changing diapers.

These are just the few sentences I have to hear. Getting a boyfriend is not easy. It is not like I go to Tesco and buy one. I do not choose to be single. Life happened. I had relationships, I had my heart broken and during the pandemic, I closed myself and now I try to open up again. If you ever had a heartbreak, you know it is hard to get out and trust again. However, I try, to give everyone a possibility. I do not search for a boyfriend, husband or anything… he will come whenever it is the time. (Well, if not then I inherit everything to my nephews. 😅) I am fine as it is, to be honest. But I am sharing with you my last two experiences (just to support my claim)…since these two men, I care less about dating than ever.

He is a lovely guy, so nice and kind. However, after 2 days of talking on the phone (not even meeting), he told me that his goals are for this year to get married and have a kid. (It was in the middle of February). – I mean, I want these things but NOT TOMORROW!!!!!🤣I am not desperate. Plus this is another important thing to mention, that there is a difference between wanting a kid or a family. I do not want a kid just to have one and thick on my list… I want a family with a partner to grow together and support each other.

Also, this guy told me, he would give his salary to his wife, but he wants her to clean, wash the dishes, cook, do the laundry, etc. But in return, he will do the “men’s jobs”.- I can cut the grass too, thank you. I am not a feminist and I want the guys to open the door for me but to share the housework (men and women work too) is basic with me. I do not wish to be anyone’s maid.

This last one wasn’t even a date or anything. The guy liked me so much and he couldn’t be more obvious even if he would try to. We met at my friend’s house and for the whole evening, he just talked about how beautiful my eyes are and how lovely my smile is, etc.- So the point is that he was cute, but he doesn’t like to take care of personal hygiene. No more explanation… I do not even want to go into this. Let your imagination work.

So after these two I “gave up”.😅 Trust me there were more interesting stories, but a woman never gave out all her secrets. Maybe I am picky, but to me personal hygiene, nice talk about various things or not dealing with me as an object is important. I am not perfect. I have millions and millions of defaults. My teeth are not straight, I have a couple of wrinkles, I am chubby during the winter, I am also stubborn, loud, passionate and very moody, but I know my values.

Even though it is annoying to listen to people’s judgement, I do not care. Don’t get me wrong it bothered me and I felt I was nothing and no one… I even started to feel depressed again, but I stopped and started to think and then I realized something that I always tell you guys: At the end of the day doesn’t matter what people think of you until you are happy with yourself and your life. And I am. I am not where I thought I would be at my age, but I am happy with what I have. I have plans, goals and dreams, just like everyone else. What will happen next I am not sure. I have no idea how my life will be in 5 years, but I do not let other people’s noise get into my head and destroy the good things in my life.

So being single or married, divorced or in a relationship, doesn’t matter your material status, the only thing matters the most is that how you feel about yourself and your life.

SpitFire up and enjoy this period of your life because you never know what tomorrow will bring.🤗