3 Steps to stop being a “people pleaser”

Hello,

One week ago I wrote about how I burnt out and started to “come back” as usual. I shared my 4 steps to begin the journey, however, if you do not find the root cause of your burnout, it will return. It can be millions of reasons why, but that’s something, you will have to find out for yourself (remember: sit down and just ask questions, and your brain will answer). What I wanted to talk about today is one of the most common reasons, what I saw in my inner circle…and that’s my friends: people pleasing. 

What is “people pleasing”? Well, did you ever experience someone asking you something, someone who is important in your life (can be a family member, your boss, a friend, doesn’t matter) and you really didn’t want to do that thing, but you did it anyway? That’s “people pleasing”. You know when you feel you need rest, but your mother calls you to go to the family dinner on Sunday, while your plan was just to be in your bed and watch Netflix. Or, when you do not want to dress up to go to the shop, but you do it anyway, because of what the people will say in the village. Or, you do not have time and capacity to do another task, but when someone asks you, you do it anyway, because you want them to like you. When you push yourself and your needs in front of another (not because you want to, only because you feel you have to), that is “people pleasing”. Or trying to be perfect.

(Let’s make something clear.  We don’t talk about the situations when your parents or partner ask you to take out the rubbish or clean your room/house or the cooking is your turn… that’s laziness and you know it, so I just want to make sure that this post will not be an excuse next time when they will ask you.😅)

Why do we do that? Why do we want to be perfect for everyone around us?  First thing first, we all do that from time to time, (someone more often than others), so don’t be hard on yourself. Based on my experience, based on my and other people’s research (listen to Mel Robbins’s podcast about it, or read her book, just to mention one person who is an expert on this subject) we all do it because of our fears. 

From what do we fear? They will not accept us, they will judge, their opinion, how they will see us, etc. We can call it how we want, but guess what? We all basically want to be loved. So we do everything to make sure that people will love/like us. We try to be perfect, we pretend that we are who we are not, just to make sure that we make others happy, so we can get their love. You are afraid to say NO because you will feel guilty that you put yourself in front of others. Because in our society there are 2 types of people: either selfish or people pleaser. No middle way. You want to make sure that everyone gets what they want around you, so they are happy and they love you. Let me tell you something. This is absolutely my experience. BULLSHIT! If someone loves you, will love you even if you say no sometimes. These people will love you no matter what and the funny part is that they want you to be happy just as much as you do want them to be happy. So if you do what they ask but in the meantime, you are exhausted, anxious, and depressed, they will not be happy, because they cannot see the happiness in your eyes. 

I read this, heard this, and watched this so many times and in so many places, but for me, this was one of the most important lessons I have learned in my life: If you are not happy, you are not able to make others happy. First, you have to be happy, so you have happiness in your heart and you can give it to others. You cannot give something that you don’t have. Do you want your kids, family, your partner, your friends, your boss, your colleagues, and your neighbors to be happy? Be happy first and they will be happy because you are happy and if you are happy you are able to give love. It will not work in the opposite way. Your “love tank” needs to be full first.

Okay, I know now so many of you say “yes, but in this case, we will be selfish”. Yes, you have to be a bit. But my opinion of taking care of ourselves until we do not hurt others is just self-care. You have to take care of yourself and love yourself to be able to live and give it to others, so if you don’t make any damage to others, is it really selfishness or is it self-care? You see, huge difference.

Okay, so how do we stop to be a “people pleaser”, but not become selfish? I have my 3 “exercises” I usually do (but as you see, I burnt out too, so sometimes I forget to use these things, and that’s okay. We are human and we are not and don’t have to be perfect- we can’t).

1. Questions. Ask yourself questions. “Do I really want this? Is it really good for me? Am I lazy or it is legit why I don’t want XYZ? What can I do today to make me happier? What is important to me? Do I hurt anyone, if I don’t XYZ?”- You will feel it. Your brain will start to search for the answers and you will feel and know the right answers for you.
2. Say NO! You can, you should and you are allowed to say NO. I know this is hard sometimes and you feel the guilt, but you must. I don’t say to start an argument and shout. No! Just tell to the person how you feel. In the beginning, when you start to create your boundaries, people will test you. Life will test you. Sometimes you would say yes, just to avoid the conflict and let yourself be, but if you do it, you will feel tired again and you can start everything from the beginning. You will learn to love yourself if you can hold your boundaries. (FYI: The people who love you, will understand and continue to love you. But it will be hard because some of the people who do not love you enough will be left from your life.)
3. Do something that makes you happy every day. Don’t care about what others would say, or how stupid it sounds, just do it. Something, anything. Doesn’t matter just makes you smile. Be silly, be crazy, and be yourself. (I know it is hard because people want you to be yourself, but “please not that much”. It will be a different post for sure.)

At the end of the day, the most important person in your life should be you, because when you are in your bed, you are alone with yourself (even if someone sleeping next to you). If you are not happy, do you really FEEL happiness about the fact that you made everyone else happy? Be honest with yourself.

Well, I hope it helps guys. I am with you and we stepping together to get back our (Spit)fire. 😘

Don’t forget: Don’t have to be always strong to be a Hero.

XOXO,

Krisz😘

P.S.: (This post is based on my experiences and what I see around me, but please know I don’t think it is the TRUTH, every one of us is different. May what makes sense to me, it will not make any sense to you.)